a subtle mourning

There is a lot to be excited about here at my house. My husband and I are wrapping up the purchase of our new home, I'm taking on a lead volunteer role in the nursery at our church and Ben is going to be in the Easter drama, Malakai is learning so many new things including a hilariously adorable army crawl.

Yet, I'm grieving.

After trying over and over to continue breastfeeding, I finally had to stop. I've been exclusively pumping for 4 days now and my heart hurts.

Just a few days ago I was able to nurse Malakai if he was asleep {and sometimes if he was just groggy} without being bitten. Then he started to chomp every time, but I pushed through. I've read in books and on websites how babies will rarely self-wean before 10 months.

My baby is rare.

I tried everything. I don't feel defeated and I don't see this as giving up. I persevered through a lot of physical pain.

I'm hurting because I miss the bonding. Malakai latched perfectly from the moment he was born and I experienced very little soreness when we were getting used to nursing, so I thought that we'd made it through the hardest part and it would be the same for the following 10-12 months. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't always work out the way you think it will...and while I'm grieving, it's okay.

Today I held him close while giving him his bottle and cuddled up, stroking the soft skin of his round legs. I can still bond with my son, I just have to get used to how different it is.

I'm doing my best to get excited about the stage he's entering and all the things I get to teach him. He's been  doing this funny "call & response" thing when he calls out and if you copy him he'll keep going and just giggle with delight. I'm also teaching him to use a cup. I do plan on giving him breastmilk until about 12 months if my body lets me.

I just felt like I had to share about this for anyone out there in a similar dilemma, whether it be nursing or something else. Parenting can be difficult, and that's okay. The joys far outweigh the trials.

All too true

The term "it's funny because it's true" is an understatement. That little tooth is the bane of my existence currently and the three that have yet to appear are what's bothering him these days.


Malakai is teething, obviously, and he has just about every single symptom to go with it. When that single little tooth came in he barely flinched. His sleep was a little off, but then again he's never been one for consistency.


As I wrote about previously, he bites. I've pushed through to keep nursing even after he broke the skin with one very horrendous chomp.


I emailed Dr. A, his pediatrician for some advice. I told her I didn't want to exclusively pump or give up breast feeding and needed some tips on how to get both of us through this and she responded:

woes

In some ways this week has been fantastic and in others it's been..."craptastic" (obscure Late Night w/ Conan reference that maybe only my husband will appreciate).

The home buying process has been going surprisingly well. The sellers haven't responded to our repairs addendum formally, but have already fixed most of what we requested. Major surprise! Our funding is going well, the appraisal process should be done by the end of the week and then off to underwriting. Oddly enough, all these things started coming together more smoothly when I felt myself let go and let God watch over the process for us.

Malakai is developing by leaps and bounds! He's creeping across the floor and keeping me on my toes. He's also babbling a lot of new sounds and really developing a fun personality. I love making him laugh.

bitten

I'm just so frustrated. The last two times I tried nursing Malakai he has decided to try out that new tooth on me. The pain is indescribable. Even though it shocks him when I yell out in pain, he does it again. I just tried four times, twice on each side, before giving up and heating up some breast milk from the freezer.

I hope this doesn't last, it's too soon for him to wean and I don't think I can stand anymore bites like that!

what's up with delivery services?

So both of my pretty little packages came yesterday. Our Christmas cards were actually sitting on my doorstep as I wrote yesterday's post and I didn't know until I went to the fedex website to track my order and it said "delivered!" Isn't that strange? They didn't even knock, they just set it on my porch between the front door and the screen.

Then, later UPS delivered my other items (more on them in a minute) by knocking on the door and LITERALLY running away. Like, May Day or...some sort of weird prank. In the time it took me to walk the 10 feet from my desk to the front door the delivery man had made it to the truck and the driver was pulling away. I literally laughed out loud to myself, it's as if they were scared to get caught delivering my package.

I don't like my packages just sitting on my front porch, especially bigger ones that are noticeable from a block away. When I lived in an apartment complex (before getting married), if I wasn't home the delivery person would leave a note saying they'd be back tomorrow between noon and 3pm. Then there were options on the note for me to pick up my package at their location or have them deliver it to my neighbor or managers office if I wasn't going to be in. Seems to have worked fine and make a lot of sense. Was it just because I lived in apartments? I don't feel like apartment neighbors are any more likely to steal things from my porch than my house neighbors.

{as a completely unrelated side note- Kai and Henry are both napping and the neighbors landscapers are 2 hours earlier than usual, running two leaf blowers to remove all 10 leaves...it's winter dudes, go home!}

Anyway- the packages themselves were a bit of a disappointment as well. Actually, the Christmas cards turned out great and I spent most of yesterday trying to weed through our address list from our wedding to figure out what 65 people would get one.

The Old Navy/Gap order was a mixed bag. The outfit I ordered Kai looks great, except the slippers are literally a kids size 7/8! I ordered from BABY Gap and even checked the size chart and settled on a medium. The funny thing is that I was clearly in the "baby boys 0-12 months" section when I discovered the slippers, but their packaging states "not recommended for children under 18 months." What the ?! So I'll be sending those back since I don't want to wait for actual years before Malakai can wear them.

Also, I ordered the nursing tops I mentioned. I was nervous about them because they were pictured on pregnant mannequins. I really don't understand this, because most women who are nursing are not pregnant. I just hoped they'd be on the long side and not so billowy. Oddly enough, the one that I was the most worried about fit me the best.

This nursing cami is great. It doesn't  have the clips for one handed use like the Target variety, but I actually like the look of it better than the bulky "I'm about to feed my baby" straps.

This other top I wasn't so sure about because of the layering.

I assumed the the under layer was a built in bra like the cami, but it's a floppy piece of fabric that cuts short just above the navel. And since I ordered white you can see this awkward layer from a mile away. I will be sending this back and perhaps replacing it with another cami.

And lastly, I ordered a long sleeved top because it looked super cute and I liked the cut of it.

But in all actuality it is cut very straight and the chest is much bigger than it looks. I'll be sending my medium back to try the small.

3 out of the 6 items worked out (this includes Ben's gift, which is wrapped and under the tree already) and I guess that's pretty good odds for ordering online.