the bad news, and the good news

I've alluded to something pretty big going on in our family over the last couple of months. I've clarified that I am not pregnant, and once again...no, I'm not and don't plan to be for quite some time. So there's that.

On January 15th my mom went in for a mammogram and the radiologist saw something. He told her he was almost certain that it was cancer. My mom is only 51 and quite healthy. There was a lot of testing, and a LOT of waiting. She had ultrasounds, MRI's, and a biopsy. We found out about 10 days after the mammogram that the lump was in fact cancer.

I never knew how much waiting is involved with breast cancer. I was surprised that we wouldn't even find out the stage of her cancer until after surgery, when they'd run tests on the tumor. My mom had about a million doctor's appointments for testing, results, and the like.

All of us were pretty quiet about it all, but still doing what we could to support her and hold it all together. I found myself proclaiming God's favor over our family and finding His peace to be most comforting when things should have felt chaotic.

This card is from a message that was preached at the exact right time for what our family is going through. I posted this in our home and claimed these truths. I prayed this prayer often over my mom, and over many other situations that have cropped up over the last few months because, when it rains- it pours.

February 15th my mom went in for a lumpectomy to remove the cancer. Ben's mom stayed with the boys and I went to wait with my siblings and my dad. My mom's sister, brother-in-law, and one of my cousins came for a time as well. Surgery was successful, but it's always so painful to see someone you love in such a state and know that what they are going through and about to move into is going to be painful.

I set up meals to be brought over while she recovered. Thanks again to those of you who may read this and made a dinner for my mom, dad and siblings. It was a huge blessing over them to be able to focus on her recovery and the road ahead.

After surgery we waited to find out more about her tumor. They also removed lymph nodes to test them for cancer. If they had been affected, then the stage of her cancer would be higher and the treatment more aggressive as it would indicate the cancer had moved through her lymph system to other parts of her body. She would most definitely need chemo. No matter the results, she would need radiation treatments to prevent the cancer from returning.

11 days after surgery my mom and I went to meet with her surgeon for results. Her cancer was staged low and the lymph nodes were negative. PRAISE GOD! Dr. F referred her to the oncologists that would take over her treatment from there.

Over all of this we had throngs of people praying over my mom. The prayer team from my church, all sorts of friends, and family, and our small group have been lifting her up. I have a handful of people that I can text whenever I have a prayer request and know that they will deliver. We have been so blessed by this.

Thanks specifically to my mother in law Debbie for making a care package for my mom and watching the boys extra, and to Liz for watching my boys during a couple of appointments.

About once or twice a week I'd accompany her to meet with one of her 2 oncologists. In early March we met her Medical Oncologist and found out there was still a possibility of chemo. Neither of us were expecting that. Of course there was another test to run and more waiting.

While we waited on that, we met with her Radiation Oncologist the next week about the course of treatment for radiation, which was a definite. The nurse told us all about the radiation treatments, but none of what she said would pertain to my mom as she is a candidate for balloon catheter radiation. She lives in a rural area outside town and the regular radiation treatments would be once a day, every day, for 6 weeks. The balloon radiation treatments involve an implant that she'd have for a week and she'd go in for treatments twice a day for 5 days. The side effects of the radiation are also lessened. She opted for the balloon radiation, which she would also do prior to chemo (if needed) instead of after.

March 21st we went back in to meet with her Medical Oncologist and her test came back low, meaning no chemo! The doctor told us he was surprised that the numbers were so low. Prayer works people. She will be on hormone therapy, in pill form, for the rest of her life. With that, the radiation, negative lymph nodes, and the successful surgery the likely hood of the cancer returning in the next 5-10 years is only 6%, which he assured us is very good. She would only need to see him again to make sure she was doing well on the hormone therapy after she finished radiation.

So, today she starts her radiation treatments. She went in this morning and will go back again this afternoon. Please pray for her through this and over the course of her treatment and recovery. We are confident that God has answered our prayers and will continue to do so. Pray for her energy and that she has no complications from the catheter or otherwise.

Please pray for me. I'm 31, annual mammograms start at age 40 but now I've been advised to go in this summer and get screened. My mom's surgeon made a comment that when breast cancer affects women in their 20's and 30's that it is much more aggressive and harder to treat. He was talking about her, trying to reassure her but he scared both of us about my sister and I. Once again, I'm proclaiming God's favor over us.

That has been what I've been doing in my free time. I've been wanting to blog more here as my sons grow and are doing remarkable and hilarious things, as great things are happening all around us as well (see my February recap), but my time is precious and I haven't had much of it to sit at a computer and really update. I'm hoping that changes soon. I'd love to do a March recap before April is over, and I am especially looking forward to posting some Easter photos of my little boys.

Kai's first prayer

For a long time now Ben + I have been saying prayers with Malakai just before bed. Lately it has consisted of myself or Ben saying a simple prayer and if Kai was in the mood he'd repeat it line by line. Sometimes he'd just say amen at the end, other times he's just not in the mood to say anything at all.

Tonight I went to say a quick prayer with him as Desmond was crying for me in the next room (Ben was trying to soothe him but he wanted me). I started with "Dear God" and when I paused to see if Kai was going to repeat it he whispered,  "Thank you for my Jesus". My voice caught in my throat, I was obviously flooded with emotion. I affirmed what he said and asked "what else?" and he said "and God made everything." I told him "that's right!" and we said amen and I scooted out of the room to Desmond.

What a sweet little surprise to hear Kai say his first independent prayer.

"Thank you for my Jesus. 

God made everything.

Amen."

By the way, "God made everything" is the bottom line in the Sunday school curriculum we're teaching age 2-5's. I'm just thrilled that Kai is really picking up on what he's being taught and that what we teach him at home is sticking too.

back from the hospital

 

Last night was my first night away from Malakai, ever. It didn't happen intentionally, I had no time to prepare. I found myself wishing we had followed through with a trial overnighter like we had planned on. Even just him staying at home overnight with someone other than us. He's done well going to bed for others, which is basically the hardest part.

I'll back up. Yesterday morning I was walking out of the play room and stepped on a toy (typical) and I stumbled, hitting belly first on the open door. I didn't fall down, just sort of bounced off the wall. It wasn't really painful, just startling. I lay down to make sure baby was moving and all was well and then I called my doctor's office. When I finally heard back from the nurse she told me they'd probably just monitor me for a bit when I came in for my weekly appointment later that afternoon, but she needed to talk with my OB. Baby was still moving and I wasn't really worried at all. I wasn't in pain and nothing was out of the ordinary.

I get another call back letting me know that I was to head straight to the hospital for "extended monitoring". I still felt like I shouldn't worry but being told to go right away scared me a bit. Malakai was napping by this point so Ben's mom came to stay with him while we headed to the hospital. Once we got to triage in Labor + Delivery I asked the nurse how long we should expect to be there. She had to check with my doctor but let us know that extended monitoring usually meant 4 hours, but could be 12. Once she got clarification from Dr. M we were told to expect 4 hours on the monitors. I was grumpy about the whole thing, but knew that it was best to play it safe.

After 3 hours and a lot of back and forth between 3 different nurses and the on-call doc (who was stuck at the other hospital) we were told that because my uterus was overly active that they were going to keep me overnight for continued monitoring. News we were not expecting at all. They were watching for signs of placental abruption. While baby's heart rate and movement was tracking normal, my uterus wasn't. Protocol said that I needed to be monitored for roughly 24 hours to be sure that everything was ok.

To get medical/technical, I was told during monitoring when I was pregnant with Malakai that I have an active/irritable uterus. Basically it doesn't really show up as a flat line on the monitors as having no movement, which is what the nurses wanted to see in order to send me home. So while I was certain that everything was normal, they couldn't send me home.

I was pretty emotional considering I didn't get to prepare for my first night away from Malakai. By then Ben's mom had left and my mom had come over to watch Kai. It started to get late and the doctor had still not seen us so we decided Ben should go home to at least get Kai to bed and see whether or not he should stay with Kai or come back to be with me. Ultimately Malakai was having too rough a time getting to bed so Ben stayed home, it was our first night apart in 3 years, making my stay alone in the hospital even more rough.

The on-call doctor didn't even get to me until 10:30pm, I had been at the hospital at 1pm. It was a long and stressful wait just to hear that they definitely would not discharge me and that I was stuck.

I was hooked up to the uncomfortable and often painful monitors all night and only got about 3 hours of sleep, non-consecutively. I fought back a lot of tears, and tried my best to not get worked up as to not cause unnecessary stress to myself and little brother. By the time morning came I was really missing my boys and feeling pretty lonely. Not to mention feeling the aches and pains of being restricted to sleeping in a hospital bed with monitors and wires everywhere.

Ben + Kai came to get me around 8 this morning and I couldn't have been happier to see them. I had been away from Malakai for nearly 20 hours, which is the longest stretch ever. It may seem silly to some, but our lifestyle just doesn't afford overnight vacations away from our child and since I'm primarily a stay-at-home mom it's just our reality that I'm with him all the time. I knew this time would come but thought I'd be in labor so I'd have some time to mentally prepare myself, not to mention the distraction that laboring would bring.

After going back and forth with several nurses and 2 different on-call doctors I was finally discharged, after 18 hours of continuous monitoring. It's not 100% that everything is fine, but everything looks good. I just need to take extra care to notice baby's movements or lack thereof and some other symptoms of a placental abruption. I'm confident that I didn't really hit my tummy THAT hard and that overall God is watching over us.

So, needless to say, it was a rough night. I'm still recovering physically from being stuck in bed that long (the aches + pains!), not sleeping (I will be napping soon), and the emotional roller coaster it all ended up being.

I'd appreciate any and all prayers for myself and little brother as we await labor and delivery over the next couple weeks (or days!).

Thankful on a Thursday: the miracle of growth

Sometimes the day to day things just stop me in my tracks. These days I'm just in awe over how people grow + change. I'm not talking about something deeply spiritual or intellectual here, I'm referring to literal physical growth.

The day we found out I was pregnant I looked over photos from my pregnancy with Malakai and was amazed all over again at how my body changed and grew to adapt to his needs. It seems to go ever so slowly, but just think about how quick 9 months is in the span of an average lifetime.

{I have to do this again?!}

When I held sweet baby boy Justice for the first time yesterday, I thought about Malakai's birth-day. 

Malakai was slightly smaller and just 19 months later it's already hard to remember him being so very tiny. 

{9 days old}

{19 months old}

He has grown 10 inches and gained 20lbs in just a year and a half. Yet, when he sleeps like this, he's still my sweet little baby boy. It never ceases to amaze me the way God created our bodies to go through such rapid change. 

Ben's cousin had her second baby boy, Elijah, on the 7th of this month (1 of 6 February babies in our circle of family + friends). He was about 6 weeks early. At first he seemed to be doing just fine for being premature, but sadly a heart defect was discovered. He was moved to another hospital for surgery and more specialized care. His recovery has been going smoothly, considering. What is getting his parents through this is that their first son, Caleb, was born early as well. He didn't have a heard defect, but Ben's cousin, Elija's mom,  does...the exact same issue, and it's not known to be hereditary. 

God has an amazing way of preparing us for life's challenges. If you're the praying type, please lift up baby Elijah and his parents. 

I started this blog 2 years ago as of the 13th, it started out about the changes our lives were about to go through on the journey to becoming parents but has become so much more. I'm still in awe at how life changes so quickly and hope to continue to embrace it all the way through. 

This week I'm thankful for...

511. Answered prayer.

512. child-like wonder.

513. the miracle of pregnancy + birth.

514. very little nausea (so far) in this pregnancy

515. the outpouring of support when we announced our big news

516.  healing.

517. steady income.

518. perspective.

519. seeing one of my very best friends become a mother.

520. the encouragement from all my readers, especially those who have been here since I started. 

What are you thankful for?

How have you experienced that child-like wonder lately? What leaves you in awe?

Thankful on a Thursday: in spite of pain

We have had a really interesting week. Unfortunately there were a couple of tragic accidents affecting two different groups of family + friends. My brother lost a childhood friend, just 17 years old, in a BMX accident on Sunday. We've been praying fervently for his family and all the loved ones mourning his loss. Then yesterday we found out that a friend rom our church was severely injured in a motorbike accident in Laos where she just recently moved to teach. She has many injuries requiring many surgeries. Her parents have rushed to her side. Again, we are dedicated in prayer over her healing. We serve such a mighty God.

In spite of the bad, today is meant for focusing on the good. Thursday always arrives right on time.

This week I'm thankful for...

341. dinner out last weekend + watching these two together.

{Liam + Malakai}

342. getting Ben a treat, he loves trying new beers.

{seasonal brews are the best}

343. deep, meaningful, spirit-filled moments.

344. sunny fall afternoons, watching Kai explore our backyard.

345. Ben's sweet new blog. He surprised me with the first post and I eagerly anticipate each new story.

346. getting a love letter in the mail from my husband that made me blush.

347.  thoughtful housewarming gifts + the inspiration to try new things.

348. discovering the Dollar Tree down the street is still open.

349. reinventing playtime.

350. last night's dinner + casual conversation with some of our best friends.

What are you thankful for?

Thankful on a Thursday: "Spiritual Calling"

Having some conflict this week with views on spiritual calling. In order to protect the parties involved I won't say much more.

Here's what I'm thankful for this week:

151. kind reminders from some twitter friends to focus in prayer when I alluded to the above situation.

152. the peace that prayer and God's word brings, even when understanding and resolution have yet to be reached.

153. the excitement that rises up every time Malakai stands on his own for 10 seconds.

154. love: the way it looks, the way it feels.

155. laughter: when it brings joy to a potential stressful situation, when it brings tears to our eyes and an ache in the belly, when it's almost silent because we don't want to wake the baby but can't help but laugh hysterically because Ben had chocolate sauce from his ice cream down his shirt and didn't notice til I hugged him and got it on mine too.

156. knowing what Ben is going to say before he says it.

157. healing: the way it looks, the way it feels.

158. new life: babies, weddings, graduations.

159. my mother-in-law's sewing talents

160. setting goals: we are going to try really hard to have a housewarming party by the end of the month, which means we have a LOT of work ahead of us.

What are you thankful for this week?

"surgery"

I can't decide whether or not I'd like to hear the worst-case-scenario from a doctor, or if I'd prefer to take things one step at a time to avoid unnecessary worry.

Let me back up.

For those of you who haven't been reading long, when Malakai was born he had one undescended testicle. It was worrisome because if it didn't descend on it's own, he would need surgery. Our pediatrician consulted with a surgeon and they had decided that he would be seen at 6 months to check in and if it was still undescended he'd most likely need surgery at 1 year. We were relieved that they would not be doing surgery on our infant, but so scared about the possibility of our son needing surgery at all.

God answered our prayers and the prayers of family, friends, and blog readers - the problem worked itself out on it's own. No surgery, not even a follow up with the specialist.

Now...

Yesterday we took Kai in for his 4 month well-baby check. The nurse did the usual length, weight, and head measurements and handed me the paper with the percentiles. As we waited for the doctor I read them to Ben. Length- 24.75 inches, 43%; Weight-17.5lbs, 88%; Head-18inches, 99%. We giggled at his length to weight ratio and one of us made a comment about his big head, not thinking anything of it.

When Dr. A came in she greeted us like normal and we chatted about a few things. She showed us the chart for his growth from his last appointments and the head circumference had shot up rather quickly. She decided to remeasure, and she still got 18inches.

I speculated aloud that perhaps the last month's measurement was off and it should have been bigger. Ben and I hadn't noticed a rapid change in his head size, and it doesn't look all that huge when you compare it to his weight.

Dr. A told us not to worry, but that based on this rapid growth and his fontanelle sticking out a bit that he may have some fluid that isn't draining properly. She told us what to watch for and said something that I keep repeating to myself every time I feel worry creeping up "It's not worth losing any sleep over."

However, we are scheduled for a follow up appointment in exactly 4 weeks to check for further growth. Apparently, when adults have this problem we'd get headaches from the pressure. But, since babies' bones aren't fused they don't get pressure, their head just keeps getting bigger. So in 4 weeks if it's significantly bigger we'll need an ultrasound to determine whether or not there is a blockage.

If the ultrasound confirms a blockage and that he has too much fluid in his head, he'll need surgery. He'd need a shunt to get the fluid moving again.

There are a lot of "ifs" about whether he'll need surgery and I feel this same sadness and worry wash over me. I keep pushing it back, praying, and reassuring myself that he'll be okay no matter what God has planned. But it still creeps in.

So...I have been given this "worst-case-scenario" and sometimes I don't want it. I think the worry would be less if I knew less and could take things one step at a time. But, I also want to know all I can about what my son needs and what to look for. Luckily, Dr. A didn't leave the knowing up to us. She believes in being open about all possibilities, but then tells us not to worry. I wish I could do that.

At this point Ben and I have decided to not share this information with any family or friends. We don't want to burden them with this same worry until we know there's something to worry about.

 I'm so glad this blog is just for my internet followers so I could talk all this out freely. And right now I'm asking for encouragement and especially prayers from those of you who do so.