"surgery"

I can't decide whether or not I'd like to hear the worst-case-scenario from a doctor, or if I'd prefer to take things one step at a time to avoid unnecessary worry.

Let me back up.

For those of you who haven't been reading long, when Malakai was born he had one undescended testicle. It was worrisome because if it didn't descend on it's own, he would need surgery. Our pediatrician consulted with a surgeon and they had decided that he would be seen at 6 months to check in and if it was still undescended he'd most likely need surgery at 1 year. We were relieved that they would not be doing surgery on our infant, but so scared about the possibility of our son needing surgery at all.

God answered our prayers and the prayers of family, friends, and blog readers - the problem worked itself out on it's own. No surgery, not even a follow up with the specialist.

Now...

Yesterday we took Kai in for his 4 month well-baby check. The nurse did the usual length, weight, and head measurements and handed me the paper with the percentiles. As we waited for the doctor I read them to Ben. Length- 24.75 inches, 43%; Weight-17.5lbs, 88%; Head-18inches, 99%. We giggled at his length to weight ratio and one of us made a comment about his big head, not thinking anything of it.

When Dr. A came in she greeted us like normal and we chatted about a few things. She showed us the chart for his growth from his last appointments and the head circumference had shot up rather quickly. She decided to remeasure, and she still got 18inches.

I speculated aloud that perhaps the last month's measurement was off and it should have been bigger. Ben and I hadn't noticed a rapid change in his head size, and it doesn't look all that huge when you compare it to his weight.

Dr. A told us not to worry, but that based on this rapid growth and his fontanelle sticking out a bit that he may have some fluid that isn't draining properly. She told us what to watch for and said something that I keep repeating to myself every time I feel worry creeping up "It's not worth losing any sleep over."

However, we are scheduled for a follow up appointment in exactly 4 weeks to check for further growth. Apparently, when adults have this problem we'd get headaches from the pressure. But, since babies' bones aren't fused they don't get pressure, their head just keeps getting bigger. So in 4 weeks if it's significantly bigger we'll need an ultrasound to determine whether or not there is a blockage.

If the ultrasound confirms a blockage and that he has too much fluid in his head, he'll need surgery. He'd need a shunt to get the fluid moving again.

There are a lot of "ifs" about whether he'll need surgery and I feel this same sadness and worry wash over me. I keep pushing it back, praying, and reassuring myself that he'll be okay no matter what God has planned. But it still creeps in.

So...I have been given this "worst-case-scenario" and sometimes I don't want it. I think the worry would be less if I knew less and could take things one step at a time. But, I also want to know all I can about what my son needs and what to look for. Luckily, Dr. A didn't leave the knowing up to us. She believes in being open about all possibilities, but then tells us not to worry. I wish I could do that.

At this point Ben and I have decided to not share this information with any family or friends. We don't want to burden them with this same worry until we know there's something to worry about.

 I'm so glad this blog is just for my internet followers so I could talk all this out freely. And right now I'm asking for encouragement and especially prayers from those of you who do so.